Mouse Droppings In The Cake Tin

Juniper and I had “words” this week.

It ended up with us both feeling pretty low

ED has crept back a little.

A friend of Junipers mentioned she was dieting. That caused a problem.

I mentioned the amount of fat in a dish (my fault i know)

Juniper felt she could not see someone she was intending to visit as she thought it would be triggering

She has been exercising a bit more than normal.

Little bits of restricting.

So a bit crap and a bit fraught of late. I have been biting my tongue.

What flipped me was half eaten chocolate fingers and a broken off bit of brownie in the cake tin.

I have for months it seems said to Juniper when she leaves half broken biscuits “that’s odd ” “just eat it all” but it has continued. This week she baked some chocolate Brownies.,, (they are brilliant) . She broke some off a piece and left a small piece in the boX. I asked her to throw the other piece away and she didn’t. I flipped..and started crying. I don’t know where the tears came from. I told her” I hate the half eaten biscuits and cakes…it’s like finding a mouse dropping from Ed” . He is saying to me “hi I am still here….I am still in your house I am still in your life “

We hugged and kissed (she was going away for the weekend).

I think we both felt better.

The lesson I have learned is that being honest about how you feel is a two way process. The sufferer perhaps needs to hear about how the carer is feeling from time to time. I suspect carers don’t say how we are feeling as we are trying to care. On reflection I should have mentioned it earlier…how i felt about the mouse droppings.

Sometimes it’s hard to get out of protective Dad mode.

I am off to get a mouse trap!

This weekend i met a guardian angel

For those of you who have endured/followed (delete as appropriate) my blog for some time, you will know that when Juniper was in Paris over 12 months ago she suffered at the hands of ED quite badly. In fact really badly.

It was a desperate time for my wife and I as Juniper would Skype us in tears and there was essentially F…all we could do but listen, and then later after the call we would bust into tears ourselves.

Whilst in Paris Juniper was attending lots of Overeaters Anonymous (OA) meetings and whilst there she met S.

Juniper and S became firm friends and started supporting each other.

I shudder to think how many texts emails or watts apps they sent each other……thousands…maybe tens of thousands.

Without a shadow of a doubt I believe S helped saved Juniper.

I blogged years ago I had a God Box Daughter i had never met.

This weekend at long last I met her.

:-)

What can I tell you…she is an absolute angel!

Beautiful
Caring
Intelligent
Helpful
Polite
Funny
Fantastic company
Trained lawyer
Friend of Juniper
Friend of my wife
Friend of mine

S and Juniper had the weekend at our house.

Where did they go out to…….a food festival (i kid you not!).

We had a great weekend

I wanted to tell S how so, so grateful I was for what she did for Juniper. But when i tried to tell her I welled up. So the best I managed was a toast of thanks.

So S….”thank you so so much for being Junipers Guardian Angel. She would not be where she is now without you I firmly believe that. We owe you so much.
D and I will forever be in your debt. Sorry I couldn’t say this face to face”.

I loved having S in my home. I am pleased she has been become part of our lives if only for a weekend (i hope its more than that though)

So that’s that.

I hope that you all get a visit from your guardian angels …they are out there honest. Trust me Im a lawyer… (so is she!)

Touching wood…

If you have read some of my earlier posts you will know am a great believer in fate. However I know you shouldn’t tempt it, so I don’t.

But ..at the moment…all seems relatively stable.

Juniper who was a few weeks ago so so distressed about missing out on what she thought was a dream placement, working with her best friend…..has landed a great job, a better one. Great for her, in an industry she loves (restaurants! You couldn’t make this stuff up!) and minutes from home, working with a great bunch of people.

A weight of her shoulders, ours and I suspect a good friend D DD who know felt disappointed the first job never came off. So alls well that ends well.

Juniper intends applying for Grad Schemes in the early part of next year and will travel for a few months from next June at least that’s the plan.

So at the moment as far as Juniper is concerned things are better than they have been for a while.

I feel ED is still sniffing about (a bit of exercise going on….the odd missed meal) but in the main when Juniper is happy and busy, ED finds it hard to get a look in. So long may he be excluded from my family.
If you are a parent of a child with an ED keep the faith, good days do eventually come along and sometimes a few of them get strung together. When that happens even if its a few, it’s like being on holiday.

There is all kinds of non Juniper related stuff going on in my life at the moment. I was getting really stressed but the other day I realised fate might apply to me too..so F@@@ it. What will be, will be.

Tomagcro

PS just thought, I should add Doris Days ” Que Sera Sera ” to Junipers play list….except she would kill me!

An unwelcome guest is in my house,

All change…..

The latest news is Juniper has graduated from uni and is now looking for a job for six months to save some cash so she then can go travelling around the world. Her plan is to apply for graduate schemes commencing in 2015.

BC is back from Uni too. She is of to study in Chile and will be away for 5 months coming back at Christmas before going back again for another 4 months. We will all miss BC , Juniper especially..she likes having her sissy about.

We went on holiday and each of the girls took a friend. Lots of sun, sea , sand and partying.

The holiday seems to have left Juniper with some issues. She is exercising lots, “healthy eating” , has joined a gym, and is restricting at mealtimes. It’s the odd meal missed if she gets up late….or breakfasts consisting of a bowl of Rice Krispies and nothing else. ( I hate Rice Krispies….not the taste but what they stand for). Mealtimes are becoming stressful again….lots of looking at how things are made…questions about the makes of products anything but the joyful mealtimes we had on holiday.

I sense ED is back creeping about my house and our lives.

I hope that Juniper can control Ed and put him back in his box.

She has posted some pictures on a dating website. They are practically all of a period when she was ill…..she likes that look.

There is lots happening, lots to look forward to, and no time for ED to start screwing with Junipers head.

I know Juniper will read this post. She will I suspect be a little put out I have blogged about it….Im sorry if you are darling . But I am more than a little afraid.

Recovery is …. A Post Box

If you read Junipers blog you will know she is home. In fact both my girls are home. I love it.

Juniper asked me the other day why i didn’t blog much at the moment. The reason is, if she is happy, i am not sad, so I have nothing to say really.

I know personally parents whose kids are not a the same stage of recovery as Juniper. Me saying how happy i am almost seems like boasting. i know so many parents are not happy. If i think back to where we were a year ago…..it was terrible. So no blogging means all is well with me.

I will share one thing with you.

Juniper and I went out for a cycle the other day. We have lived in the same house for 20 years. We cycled quite a long way and went down a road we had never seen before. A mile or so along this new road we came to a sign to “Juniper” ..a village. We were both gobsmacked. Neither of us knew it was there. We just had to go down the road and see it..the road to Juniper. It was a straight road but looked quite hilly. We set off. The hills were not too bad.
We wondered what it would be like.
We arrived.

Do you know what It was very small and pretty ordinary. Some nice cottages . In fact all the village had was a post box. No fanfares . No brass bands. A normal village where people just get on with their lives and post letters.
The only letters Juniper and I have ever mentioned in our respective blogs are letters to ED… A good place to tell him to stay away!

I think aout Juniper the village quite a lot. I am a great believer in fate. spooky that Juniper and I discovered Juniper the village when we won’t expecting it.

I think that’s probably what recovery is to me at the moment, a place where nothing is unusual…peaceful… just ordinary. It’s a good place.

You couldn’t make this stuff up!

I will blog some more…but don’t worry about me.

Read junipers blog….it’s far more interesting than mine

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Long time no post…

It seems like ages since I posted anything on this blog and that has been very deliberate.

Juniper has been sitting her final year exams and I was very keen not to post anything which might distract, worry or anger her. I know she reads my blog and I read hers.

Sometimes I wonder whether it was a good decision to tell Juniper that I’ve written a blog, although I know that some people like the fact that they can look up what I am thinking and then look at Junipers blog to see what she is thinking. Anyway, too late now and as I often find myself saying more so these days “serenity prayer it, ie , there’s nothing I can do about it now.

I am delighted to report the Juniper seems to be in a pretty good place the moment. Far better than this time last year, when it seemed as though our world quite frankly was falling apart around our ears. Compared to 12 months ago Juniper is so so so much better

She had one great session with her counsellor a few weeks ago and something special clicked…. I am sure she will blog about it..

So at the moment, life is good.

Junipers sister BC is still sitting her exams. She is really looking forward to those being over and then she is off to study in Chile for a year. My wife is dreading her going. I am jealous if I am honest, what an adventure!

Once the exams are all over we’re off on holiday as a family with each of the girls bringing a friend this time (that’s a new one on me in a villa with 4 20 plus girls intent on partying hard….).

Junipers friend from Paris who I refer to in earlier posts as my God Box Daughter is also going to visit us . Cant wait to meet her. She was a great source of comfort and strength and still remains so.

I hope that those of you who are battling ED either as a sufferer or parent (although i know parents suffer to) are now seeing some light at the end of the tunnel. If you’re not, keep going , I am sure it will come. It is as we know a bloody slow tortuous process but when good things happen even little victories celebrate them, cherish them and remember them.

It’s a long, long journey but there are opportunities to smile along the way …honest.